Identity.

I’m so incredibly frustrated with myself today. Who would have thought that a simple question such as: “who are you?” or “tell me about yourself” would send me into a spiraling runaway train of negative thoughts and leave me unable to answer.

Who am I? I don’t know. How does someone answer that? Is there a correct answer? What’s the secret to finding out the answer? UGH! All around me I hear young women my age confidently speak their truth, share their beliefs, describe themselves, and constantly stand their ground. Me? Well, I’m sitting there with this dumbfounded look on my face. Kind of like I was just asked to solve E=MC squared.

Can anyone out there relate? Why is it so hard to find a true identity?  Has social media completely engulfed my brain to the point where I lose myself in comparison with other people?

I can identify who I want to be. I can measure myself up against others and rattle off the qualities I wish I had, like a pro! I hate admitting this fact, but I totally rely on others to define me and tell me who I am, to fill my “bucket” as a friend of my parents calls it. I don’t know any different. Truth is, I simply don’t know how to fill my bucket by myself. I long for encouragement, support, and acceptance from others. I need that because I can’t yet hold my own. I can’t walk in confidence, secure in the knowledge of who I am.

Real talk time: I can preach all day long to others about finding their true selves, how to be happy, how they should go about doing that, and why it’s so important. I can give advice to everyone about how to value themselves, and how to find their worth in God and God alone. But, I cannot do that for myself. No matter how hard I pray, or try, or read those self-love/self-help books, I have no idea where to start and I have no idea HOW to start.

I’ve heard “Allison, practice what you preach!” or “Why don’t you take your own advice?” too many times. I guess I wonder, why does it have to be so hard? Sure, I can rattle off a few things about myself. My name, my age, my degree, and my job title, but other than that….nothing. I wasn’t a star student, I didn’t graduate with a phenomenal degree, I haven’t changed the world, or made a positive impact like I hoped. I’m not a wife, or a mother, or even a girlfriend. I’m about as graceful in sports as a newborn baby deer, I have no awards, ribbons, praise or accolades to show. So, what makes me stand out?

Has anyone else gone through a point like that in their lives? Or…am I the only one struggling? I would love to hear some thoughts.

Sometimes, it’s really hard to count it all joy….